KP4H
An Irrationally Biased Husky Football Season Preview
In my opinion, the University of Washington football team is the best football team in the nation. Not because of wins or losses, but mainly because I just love the crap out of my school.
Most people might pen a preview article objectively and with a keen eye on such things as statistics, player bios, and other stuff I really don’t care about. You want a bio? Keith Price is the greatest quarterback in the land and a future Heisman Trophy winner. Boom. Bio. There you go. Bishop Sankey committed to Washington State before decommitting, then finding his way into Washington’s backfield. That’s freakin’ awesome, and frankly, kind of hilarious. There’s another bio. How about one more? Our defensive line coach, Tosh Lupoi? He may not own a boat, but he pulls in teenage athletes like a big-breasted, blonde-haired sorority sister. We can all appreciate that. Three bios for you. That’s three more than I was planning on writing.
So yeah. Bios? No, I don’t really do that. Stats? Eh. Stats require research, plus does anyone outside of East Asia actually process numbers? You could read a piece of paper a hundred times and you might remember words like “big-breasted, blonde-haired sorority sister,” for example, but this number right here — 156,929 — will be forgotten. And don’t look into that number at all. It has zero significance. I just pulled it out of my ass. It’s the most insignificant number I could think of. Completely worthless. Oh, wait, hold on. Upon further review, it’s actually the population of Eugene, Oregon. My bad. My bad, everyone!
You already forgot that number. Don’t lie. You remember the joke but not the number. Yeah, you could just direct your eyes back to the number, but that’s cheating and you know it. Don’t be like USC. Don’t cheat.
The moral here? Numbers suck. Forget numbers. Let’s talk about the reality of the football team, instead.
The 2012 Huskies, they excite me. I’m excited by this team. And yeah, I get it. There are question marks here and there: the defense as a whole, the offensive line, the running game, special teams, blah, blah, blah. Focusing on the negative is no fun. We know there are areas for improvement on this ballclub. Chances are, we’ll dissect those areas all season long. So for now, while we’re undefeated, let’s turn our attention to the positive. Because I, for one, am optimistic. And you should be too. Why? Three words: Keith Motherf**king Price.
Keith Price is a demigod. He’s truly becoming KP4H. Two years ago, when I joked about Price one day winning the Heisman, I never thought he’d actually insert himself into the conversation. Price is on watch lists now. He’s mentioned in the same breath as the top quarterbacks in America. And here he is, as a redshirt junior, coming off one of the greatest seasons any Washington signal-caller has ever produced.
No matter what Keith does from here on out, I will always remember being in the building to witness his performance in the 2011 Alamo Bowl. Absolutely amazing. Even in defeat, there is no denying that what I watched that night was one of the greatest — if not the greatest — football games I will ever see. And spearheading that greatness was none other than Price, who threw for four touchdowns and ran for three more, amassing 438 passing yards in the process, and nearly out-dueling his Baylor counterpart, Robert Griffin The Third (I like to write it out phonetically).
Despite the fact that his defense couldn’t hold off Baylor’s equally-potent offense, Price was magical that evening. Every Husky fan that walked out of the AlamoDome afterwards, disappointed as they were in the contest’s outcome, knew that Washington’s quarterback had not only left an indelible mark on the 2011 season, but had set the stage for an even better 2012.
This is where we find ourselves now. Yes, we’ve lost Chris Polk to the NFL. Sure, we graduated Jermaine Kearse and Devin Aguilar to their own professional careers. But who do we still have? We have No. 17. We have Keith Price. We’re poised for something special. Because our quarterback is that fantastic. You can point fingers at the O-line, if you wish. You can lament about the much-maligned — though much-improved — defense, if you must. And you can point at the schedule, as tough as it comes, and shake your head. None of it matters. We know — I know, you know, everyone knows — that our quarterback is among the game’s elite. And elite quarterbacks win ballgames, plain and simple. So without further ado, let’s take a look at how each game will play out for our Dawgs. Because, well, why the heck not.
Game No. 1: Washington vs. San Diego State, September 1, 2012 – WIN
I didn’t know San Diego State played other colleges. I had heard they fielded a Lingerie Football League team, but a men’s team? No clue. Good for them.
Game No. 2: Washington at Louisiana State, September 8, 2012 – WIN
Honey Badger don’t give a shit? More like Honey Badger don’t get to play. We take what we want!
Game No. 3: Washington vs. Portland State, September 15, 2012 – WIN
Portland. Not a real state.
Game No. 4: Washington vs. Stanford, September 27, 2012 – WIN
A lot of people think this game may determine the Pac-12 North champion. It might. If Washington wasn’t destined to win every effing game.
Game No. 5: Washington at Oregon, October 6, 2012 – WIN
There are 156,929 people in the city of Eugene. That’s about 156,929 more than the world needs. Oregon sucks.
Game No. 6: Washington vs. USC, October 13, 2012 – WIN
Matt Barkley leads the Trojans into Seattle for one of the season’s biggest games. Or as I call him, Vanilla Keith Price.
Game No. 7: Washington at Arizona, October 20, 2012 – WIN
I imagine the Wildcats will have already given up on Rich Rodriguez at this point in the year.
Game No. 8: Washington vs. Oregon State, October 27, 2012 – WIN
For a D-II school, Oregon State is pretty…wait, what’s that? They’re not? They didn’t get moved down? We don’t do it like the European soccer leagues? My mistake. Never mind then.
Game No. 9: Washington at California, November 2, 2012 – WIN
Cal coach Jeff Tedford is selling his $5.5 million Danville, Calif. estate. You know what this means, right? Fired by midseason. Book it. This team is toast.
Game No. 10: Washington vs. Utah, November 10, 2012 – WIN
If I was an English teacher giving a lesson on the proper ways to identify irony, I’d write Utah quarterback Jordan Wynn’s name on the white board, point to his surname, and say, “See that, kids? That is irony.”
Game No. 11: Washington at Colorado, November 17, 2012 – WIN
Colorado is that one team that only shows up for the post-game snacks. Cookies and Capri Suns? For everybody?! I’ll be there!
Game No. 12: Washington at Washington State, November 23, 2012 – WIN
Come on. Really? All the sword swinging, all the bear hunting, the pirate references, the hype, the fabricated excitement. These are the Cougars. You honestly think they are going to be the ones to halt our perfect season? No. No way. Operation Air Aid is underway in Pullman. God save the Cougs. It’s over. Done. Season kaput. At least Mike Leach tried. He just happened to be a victim of circumstance.
So there you have it. Yeah, I predicted a perfect season. No, it probably won’t happen. But guess what. If it does happen, I’ll be the only guy in the nation who forecasted this shitstorm. And everyone will be like, “Oh my god, oh my god! I can’t believe this guy called it!” Yeah. I’m going for that. Swinging for the fences. I’ll either go yard, or strike out miserably. It’s the Carlos Peguero approach. And as you can see, it’s worked out well for…wait, what? He’s back in Triple-A? Really? Crap.
Go Dawgs.
Filed under: Husky Football
Tags: Husky Football, Keith Price, KP4H
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Legitimizing KP4H
My friends and I were at the strip club the other night when I got around to some wishful thinking. Not about the women getting naked before my very eyes. I’m more or less immune to that. I don’t even go to strip clubs ever. We just happened to be there for a bachelor party.
Something about knowing that these women are willingly removing all their clothes without you even having to ask changes your mentality toward their complete lack of inhibition. So no, I was not doing any wishful thinking about the well-endowed brunette climbing up and down the pole, performing acrobatic gyrations at unsafe elevations. Okay, maybe a little. But mostly, it was other stuff.
After the fifth or sixth waitress emerged and asked us if we wanted drinks (non-alcoholic drinks, mind you…thanks, State of Washington), I couldn’t help but say aloud, “Why can’t we get service like this in a restaurant?”
My buddies laughed, but I was dead serious. Think about it. You go get a nice meal at a fine establishment and they rarely pay this much attention to you. You’re just another patron to them. But at the strip club? We weren’t even really spending money and they were all about the hospitality. You have to appreciate that. Even if they are just doing it for the cash. I get it. I’m weird. I know.
Regardless, all that wishful thinking reminded me of a moment roughly one year ago when I crowned Keith Price a future Heisman Trophy winner. I went out on a limb with my imagination, never expecting that just twelve months later, Price would start down the path to legitimizing my ridiculous proclamation.
In recent weeks, the hashtag “#KP4H” has seen a noticeable uptick in publication on Twitter. KP4H, as you might imagine, is short-hand notation for “Keith Price For Heisman.” It began as a stupid gimmick created by a stupid promoter of gimmicks (me). It has come to life with each touchdown toss that Price, who leads the nation in that category with 14, lands in the hands of one of his receivers.
I’ll admit that when I first backed the Keith Price bandwagon out of the driveway, I only did so as a joke. You see, I was a little upset over the University of Washington’s futile campaign to promote Jake Locker as a Heisman Trophy candidate. Not because Locker didn’t deserve it. He’d certainly become worthy of any and all accolades over the course of his stellar collegiate career. I was a little hung up on the fact that a) this team frankly wasn’t good enough to produce a Heisman winner in 2010, and b) we didn’t need to put any added pressure on a player or a program that was already under the microscope. Why do that to a ballclub on the up-and-up? It bugged me.
And so I started promoting our backup quarterback as a legitimate contender for college football’s most prestigious award. One year later, it doesn’t look so far-fetched.
Keith Price is only a sophomore. He may be the very best player at his position in the entire Pac-12. Which is saying something when you look around at the other 11 signal-callers in the conference. Or at least, you know, six or seven of those guys. Let’s be honest, a couple of them really suck. Yes, Richard Brehaut, I’m looking at you.
To date, Price hasn’t done anything to remove himself from the “best quarterback” conversation. He’s efficient, throws a nice ball, limits his mistakes, and has a 3-1 record in 2011. And as mentioned previously, he just so happens to lead the nation in touchdown passes, as well.
Having thrust himself into the spotlight as an underclassman, who knows where Price will end up in the next two years? Undersized for the pro game, the Compton, Calif. native will almost certainly play a full four seasons for the Dawgs. Could he be a future Heisman winner? Why not, right? He has the tools to make it happen, the charisma to help his cause, and a team on the rise as backup singers. Anything is possible.
It started out as wishful thinking and somehow, some way has blossomed into a believable cause, a divine movement. I can’t take all the credit, naturally. I mean, Keith may have had a little to do with all this. Who knows for sure.
Jokes aside, all I really know is this: KP4H actually means something right now. And like Travis Henry with all nine of his illegitimate children, I unwittingly created this potentially-amazing thing. It was up to Price to make me look like some sort of prophet, and thus far, whether you want to believe it or not, he’s done that.
Keith Price For Heisman. KP4H.
In the words of Brad Hamilton, “Learn it. Know it. Live it.”
Filed under: Husky Football
Tags: Absolute Ridiculousness, Husky Football, Keith Price, KP4H
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Karate Emergency: Episode X
You may have noticed that we’ve reached double-digits. We’re up to our tenth episode now. In honor of that, we’ve made the switch to Roman numerals. Why? Because it looks cooler. Michael Jordan did it with his shoes. That seemed to work out okay. We’ll do the same.
This week’s episode features a menage a trois of Josh, Ashley, and yours truly. Ryan Dickins Divish makes an appearance by phone. Topics include the Holiday Bowl (you may have, uh, read about that here…sorry to ruin the surprise), the Seahawks in the playoffs, a heated debate (seriously) about the BCS National Championship game, the best Christmas gift ever, and, of course, the news with Ashley Ryan.
Check it.
Filed under: Karate Emergency
Tags: Karate Emergency, KP4H
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The Rally To Restore Sanity Amongst Seattle Sports Fans
If the Charlie Whitehurst versus Matt Hasselbeck debate has taught us anything, it’s that a pretentious jackass is the worst kind of sports fan there is.
Since that fateful day when the Seahawks gave up a third-round pick for Whitehurst, a quarterback controversy has been brewing in Seattle. And fueling that controversy are a contingent of fanatics who don’t know their elbows from their asses.
On either side of the spectrum, you have the Hasselbeck Sucks squad battling the Whitehurst Is Terrible crew. The pro-Hasselbecks believe No. 8 is God. Once upon a time, he led our team to a Superbowl, plus he’s a pretty nice dude. Hence, he can commit no fallacy. The pro-Whitehursts realize that Hasselbeck is past his prime, but more than that they believe that if Whitehurst isn’t Zeus, he might as well be Jesus (looks notwithstanding).
Fact is, they’re both wrong.
Between Facebook, Twitter, mainstream media, and the sports blogosphere, I’ve seen enough written about Hasselbeck v. Whitehurst to last a lifetime. Unfortunately for society, most of it is complete crap.
Regardless of how you really feel about either Hasselbeck or Whitehurst, the battle to be Seattle’s signal-caller should serve as a template for idiotic sports fans getting their way. How anyone can emote so strongly about either one of these players — based on Hasselbeck’s utter mediocrity and Whitehurst’s relative lack of opportunity — is beyond me. The fact that we’re even having this discussion a) glorifies morons and b) puts into perspective where our fair city stands on the national sports landscape.
You think anyone outside of Seattle cares about Hasselbeck or Whitehurst? Hell no. There are a ton of quarterbacks better than both these guys. There are a handful who are much worse, as well. Which means that when you get right down to it, we’re talking about an absolute run-of-the-mill tandem. Nothing to see here, folks. Please disperse.
Sports are supposed to be a fun distraction from everyday life. But part of what I’ve come to realize based on this Whitehurst-versus-Hasselbeck squabble is that people are actually dumb enough to beat themselves up over two guys who are barely hanging on to NFL careers. Here’s a hint, everyone: Neither one of these guys is worth it.
A few weeks ago, I started the Keith Price For Heisman campaign (KP4H, to the initiated). Part of my thinking behind this crusade is that it was a fun, tongue-in-cheek diversion from the humdrum boredom of what has more or less been a lost season for the Washington Huskies football program.
Almost immediately after I ejaculated KP4H into the veritable birth canals of local sports fans, two factions of individuals formed. There were the folks who got it, embraced the joke, and began spreading the KP4H gospel all over their social networking profiles. And then there were the uppity sticks-in-the-mud. Those folks who labeled me a jerk for poking fun at the Dawgs; my Dawgs, no less.
Last week, after Whitehurst was named the Seahawks’ starter for Sunday’s game against the New York Giants, I started a new campaign via Twitter. This campaign demanded that practice squad quarterback Zac Robinson, a rookie out of Oklahoma State, begin seeing playing time immediately. Zac Robinson For MVP.
It was another shot below the belt to those fans who take themselves so seriously that it’s hard for them to get out of bed without spraining their tightly-wound buttocks. Who does this guy calling for Keith Price and Zac Robinson think he is? We need to stop him! We need to destroy him! Or he will destroy us! Sports cannot be fun! They are our lifeblood!
Whatever, dude.
I’m not telling you to lose the passion you have for the game. By all means, please retain it. I’m just asking you to get a f**king grip. A grip on reality, a grip on life, a grip on your own personal happiness, all of the above. God forbid you enjoy sports for a minute of your miserable existence. It’s not like anyone’s forcing you to support these teams.
Pretentious jackass sports fans kill me. Like rich white dudes with mail-order Asian wives (you’ve all seen these types, don’t act like I’m bringing something new to the table), these bastards are trying to rain on our parade with their pouty attitudes and stuck-up ways. Hey, look at you, big man. Your wife is so hot, what page in the catalog did you find her on? You can tell this relationship was made to last because you clearly want sex and she clearly can’t say no. Literally. She doesn’t know the language. Ah, capitalism at its finest. And of course by capitalism, I mean love.
Win or lose, we need to get over ourselves, sports fans. Yeah, our teams suck right now. But that doesn’t mean we have to kick puppies and blast our anger all over the internet. If you’re feeling down, just go get laid or something. And if you can’t get laid, then love yourself. You’ll feel better after you’ve taken a load off, if you know what I mean.
This is a rally. A rally to restore sanity amongst Seattle sports fans. We’re better than this. Better than giving a damn about two so-so quarterbacks stoking our fiery ire. Better than lamenting over a failed Heisman campaign, mistakenly cultivated by a school that hasn’t been to a bowl game in nearly a decade. Better than getting upset over a group of local teams that have let us down time and again.
We need to temper our expectations, act rationally, then stick it to these programs for not bringing us championships. Who cares what craptastic quarterback is under center for the Hawks? Who cares about individual awards? If we’re not winning rings and trophies, it doesn’t matter. And that’s where our focus needs to be.
Pretentious jackass sports fans, I need you to go jump off a cliff.
As for the rest of us, the sane group, let’s rally together and focus on one thing: Winning.
Filed under: Featured Articles, Husky Football, Seahawks
Tags: Featured Articles, Features, Husky Football, KP4H, Rally To Restore Sanity
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