11. Frank Gore sucks.
He scored a 6 on the Wonderlic test…out of a possible 50. His showing ranks as one of the worst all-time scores in Wonderlic history.
Rather than calling out coverages, perhaps Seahawks linebackers should pepper San Francisco’s running back with stupid questions before the snap. “Hey Frank! Spell all forms of the word ‘there.’ All forms, Frank! Not just one. And then use each form in a sentence so we know you’re not bullshitting us.”
10. Their mascot sucks.
Did you know that the Niners’ mascot is a cartoonish cowboy named Sourdough Sam? Probably not, since Sourdough Sam is the stupidest name ever. I imagine a cowboy named Sourdough Sam would be the first one to die of dysentery on the Oregon Trail. Or worse, he’d drown in the very first river you forded.
“All your oxen survived and all your supplies are intact. But Sourdough Sam is dead. R.I.P Sourdough Sam.”
9. Their dance team sucks.
The 49ers have dubbed their cheer squad the “Gold Rush.” Really? The Gold Rush? The California Gold Rush ended in 1855. The majority of people who participated in the Gold Rush were men. Nothing about the term “Gold Rush” indicates attractive women dancing and holding pom-poms. Your marketing team is an epic fail.
8. Their stadium sucks.
Candlestick Park. Most famous for withstanding earthquakes and being synonymous with a city that no one would give a shit about if it weren’t for Full House.
This butt-ugly venue was built in 1960, the same year that the laser was invented and John F. Kennedy was elected president. It’s fifty-three goddamn years old. The building qualifies for AARP and early-bird specials at shitty chain restaurants. It also holds the dubious distinction of being one of the worst places to play a football game because of the strong winds that swirl into the stadium, creating adverse conditions for, you know, sports.
On top of all that, this decaying rathole housed The Beatles’ final concert in 1966. And at the time, The Beatles had no idea it would be their final concert. Way to go, Candlestick. You’re single-handedly responsible for destroying The Beatles.
7. The best player in the history of their franchise sucks.
Seriously, Joe Montana, what the hell? You couldn’t spawn a better quarterback? Your kid came to the University of Washington for two years and barely cracked the two-deep. Now he’s playing at Tulane, the pride of Conference USA. All you are to us is the father of a kid who wasn’t good enough. That, and the spokesperson for two of the lowliest apparel brands in American history, Mervyn’s and Skechers.
6. The best player currently on their roster sucks.
There’s probably some debate about this, since no current 49er is really all that great. But for the sake of the hype machine, we’ll go ahead and say that Colin Kaepernick is the best player on San Francisco’s roster right now. And my god, is he just a disaster.
First of all, he looks like a Mii. For those of you who don’t know what a Mii is, go to the nearest GameStop, find a Nintendo Wii console, and create a male avatar. Holy crap, right away you realize that your creation bears a striking resemblance to the 49ers quarterback. Kaepernick is the product of an algorithm.
Second, there’s the whole bicep kissing thing. Look, unless you have the arms of a professional weightlifter, you simply cannot take a peck at any part of your body residing between the shoulder and the fingertips. Can’t do it. And if you do, you’re gonna look like a self-absorbed douchebag. This is why people the world around have issues with Kaepernick. Whether you loathe the San Francisco 49ers or not, it’s easy to despise someone who makes out with their scrawny noodle arms.
Third, the tattoos. What’s up with the tattoos, bro? You had a privileged upbringing in the suburbs of Wisconsin. Wisconsin. You’re not from the streets, you’re not from the hood, you aren’t part of some gang we should all fear. You’re just a dude who had disposable income as a child and apparently spent it all on ill-advised, meaningless ink. I get it: You’re biracial and you were adopted. In your own mind, that probably means you had it “rough.” Whatever.
So what’s your story? It was your time in Nevada, wasn’t it? That Reno. With all those geriatrics running around, it’s easy to get involved with a bad crowd.
5. Their uniforms suck.
Their two primary colors are also the colors of piss and blood. They should be sponsored by Tampax and Depends.
4. Their Super Bowl victories suck.
Two of the wins came against Cincinnati. Those shouldn’t even count.
3. Their players’ names suck.
NaVorro Bowman. According to a Google search, the name “NaVorro” has no meaning. Way to go, mom. Your kid is meaningless.
Anquan Boldin. The name “Anquan” means “companion.” You’re not a leader. You’re not a powerful individual. You’re an effing companion. Might as well be Tonto.
Perrish Cox. A misspelling of the word meaning “to die.” That’s, uh…cool.
Colt McCoy. Named after both a baby horse and the annoying middle child in the 3 Ninjas movies.
Kassim Osgood. His name means “dispenser of food and goods.” That’s just awful. He’s like a Safeway, or a Union Gospel Mission, or a…Pez.
2. Their fans suck.
I mean, they’re not that bad for uneducated inbreds.
1. Their coach sucks.
In general, society’s biggest gripes with Jim Harbaugh are the following:
-He whines too much.
-His fashion sense blows.
-He always has that goddamn red Sharpie hanging around his neck.
-He over-dramatizes every single little thing on the sideline.
-He makes ugly faces.
I understand all that and I certainly agree with the sentiments. But my biggest issue with Harbaugh is none of these things. No, I’m disgusted by the 49ers’ head coach for a different reason. What is that reason, you ask? Simple: He took an acting gig on Saved By the Bell: The New Class.
By now, this isn’t news. Everyone should know that Harbaugh was on the shitty red-headed stepchild spinoff of the Saved By the Bell series. But in case you weren’t aware, here’s a video of the Emmy-worthy performance:
That was horrendous. And there are so many things wrong with this.
First, everyone knows that The New Class was a disgraceful embarrassment to Saved By the Bell’s good name. It just was. As someone who avidly paid witness to all forms and spinoffs of Saved By the Bell, The New Class was little more than a train wreck. Trust me on this.
Second, Harbaugh played Screech’s cousin and Screech was the worst character in the history of the entire SBTB franchise. We’re talking about a guy who had a knack for screwing everything up all the time. Not only that, but the man who played this bumbling idiot went on to star in a homemade porno that was highlighted by a Dirty Sanchez, which is gross.
Third, what self-respecting athlete accepts a gig on The New Class, anyway? You either have to have the worst agent in the world — some Bob Sugar-esque ne’er-do-well concerned about nothing more than the almighty dollar — or possess no dignity whatsoever as a human being. With Harbaugh, I’d guess it’s the latter.
All things considered, Jim Harbaugh epitomizes the absolute suckiness of the entire organization he represents. So…much…suck.
Filed under: Seahawks, Top 11
For a large portion of this past offseason one of the hot topics of debate was the staying power of the read option. Is it an evolving trend or a passing fad? What will head coaches and defensive coordinators do this season to combat it? Will linebackers continue to look like lost children while trying to figure out if the quarterback handed the ball off or not?
Coming into this season it was widely expected that read option quarterbacks like Russell Wilson and Colin Kaepernick would continue to run the ball until somebody found a way to stop them. Jim Harbaugh even made statements questioning the rules on attacking read option quarterbacks in the days leading up to the 49ers opener against the Packers, leading everyone to believe Kaepernick would be doing a lot of running. So what did the Packers do? They limited Kaepernick to 22 yards rushing — which might seem impressive if it wasn’t for the fact that Kaepernick threw for 412 yards.
In similar fashion, Russell Wilson only had 7 yards rushing against Carolina. Couple that with Marshawn Lynch only having 43 yards and that’s a rough day on the ground for the Seahawks. Luckily, Russell Wilson added 320 yards through the air, providing just enough to steal a tough east coast road win.
So what does this lack of read option use in the first week of the season mean for Wilson and Kaepernick? Are the Seahawks and 49ers saving their read option attack for their big game this Sunday night? Or are both quarterbacks evolving?
Perhaps Wilson and Kaepernick are starting to show they don’t need to rely on the read option to move the football. Sure, it was only week one but so far it seems like both quarterbacks can manage to control games with their arms and not their legs. In Wilson’s case, he had to win the game with his arm after the Seahawks struggled to find any success in the run game against Carolina. Thankfully, he was up to the challenge.
It should be encouraging to fans for both the Seahawks and 49ers that their quarterbacks don’t need to carry the football to win games. It provides further proof that even if the read option is a fad, Kaepernick and Wilson are not.
Russell Wilson and Colin Kaepernick are two of the brightest young stars in the National Football League right now. Playing in the same division means that they have to see each other at least twice a year, including this Sunday.
The game is already intriguing for both teams, considering both the Seahawks and the 49ers are Super Bowl contenders this season.
Now to add to that — it was reported on Tuesday that Wilson and Kaepernick have bet an eyebrow on the game. Yes, seriously.
According to CBS Sports, the quarterbacks are making the same bet they made in a commercial while advertising the video game Madden 25. In it, the quarterbacks dual with this conversation:
Kaepernick: “Big game on Sunday.”
Wilson: “Yup. You know what we should do? Whoever loses has to shave an eyebrow.”
Kaepernick: “Aight. Hope you don’t like your eyebrow.”
If the Seahawks play the way they did the last time these two teams met, it will be Kaepernick with one brow.
The Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl proving yet again that regular season records mean little in predicting the playoffs. By translating a 10-6 record in to a 4-0 playoff run, the Ravens have made history by becoming the first team in history to win a Super Bowl against the San Francisco 49ers.
When NFC West football coaches, players, and fans look back on this season, the biggest lesson might be, “Make sure to show up to play in the first half of playoff games.” While both the Seahawks and 49ers looked as talented as any team in football this year, their habit of digging themselves in to a hole and relying on perfect execution late in games backfired. Instead of the NFC West holding a Lombardi Trophy, the 49ers finish the season more closely resembling the team that couldn’t beat the Rams than the team that was predicted by many to win it all.
In my last article I predicted that the Ravens would pass to set up the run. As it would turn out, the Ravens rushing attack was never a factor at all. Luckily for them, they scored their three offensive touchdowns on pass plays. They ended the game with only 93 rushing yards, and averaged a measly 2.7 yards per carry. On a normal day, that would not be enough to move the chains.
However, especially for Super Bowl MVP Joe Flacco, this was not a normal day. His three first half touchdowns were enough to bury the 49ers in a deep hole. They were also enough to set a new NFL record with 11 touchdown passes in a single post season without an interception.
Flacco’s first pass was thrown to the middle of the end zone to Anquan Boldin who found a pocket between two defenders. The next touchdown was a 1-yard pass to Dennis Pitta who calmly spiked the ball. The body language of the Ravens squad exuded confidence. The third touchdown made people stop and look. It was a 56-yard completion to Jacoby Jones, who caught the ball in the air, fell down, and got up in time to elude San Francisco defenders on his way to the end zone.
With the possession of the ball to start the second half, the Ravens were in good position with a 21-6 lead at halftime. By the time Jacoby Jones returned the opening kickoff 108 yards for a touchdown, things were looking great.
It looked like a good old fashioned Super Bowl blowout, until, of all things, the power went out in the Super Dome. While the power outage delayed the game for 34 minutes, it is impossible to judge what effect it had on the two teams. Some say that the 49ers benefited by being allowed to regroup and kill Baltimore’s momentum.
It could be just as easily presumed that Baltimore benefited from the blackout, by being allowed to regain some energy that allowed them to withstand the onslaught that was soon to come. In the end, the real beneficiary of the power out was probably the bar owners across the world who kept their patrons drinking for an extra half hour. At the end of the unexpected intermission, the game really started to get competitive, and turned in to what many called an instant classic.
Colin Kaepernick, who was flustered and ineffective early, suddenly was able to connect with Michael Crabtree and Vernon Davis. Both receivers topped one hundred yards, and Crabtree hauled in a touchdown. The other two 49er touchdowns were run in by Frank Gore who ran for a game best 110 yards, and Kaepernick who celebrated his touchdown run with a highly predictable kiss of his tattoo.
While the touchdown brought the 49ers to within a field goal of the Ravens, perhaps Kaepernick’s celebration was a bit premature if not entirely unnecessary. The Ravens would go on to build their lead to 5 on a Justin Tucker field goal giving the 49ers time to take the lead.
However, Baltimore’s defense held tight on a four-down goal line stand that included one controversial non-call in the end zone on a ball thrown to Michael Crabtree. While Jimmy Smith clearly had a handful of jersey, Crabtree was also engaged in contact. Being that it’s a Super Bowl, I’m a big believer in letting the players play, and saving the flags for obvious penalties, like the illegal formation that stalled a promising opening drive by San Francisco.
After turning the ball over on downs, San Francisco’s defense was able to hold the Ravens to a three and out. The Ravens, who had faked a field goal earlier in the game, pulled another unorthodox special teams move. With twelve seconds left, the punter, Sam Koch, scrambled around in the end zone for eight seconds before running out of bounds giving the 49ers a safety and two points.
The score tightened to 3 points, but with four seconds left on the clock, a field goal was not a possibility. Instead of punting from the end zone with 12 seconds left, the Ravens were able to kick off with four seconds left. There were no repeats of the music city miracle as Baltimore’s kickoff team found the ball quickly, and made the winning tackle as time expired.
It was a fitting end to an exciting season of NFL football. The Ravens have some questions surrounding an aging defense, and a free agent quarterback, but have been consistently competitive over the years. The 49ers also look like they’re built to compete for years to come.
The Seattle Seahawks, Green Bay Packers, Atlanta Falcons, New England Patriots, and Denver Broncos all exited the playoffs with unfulfilled expectations. Expect them to be in the thick of the hunt next season. But, until then, The Baltimore Ravens deserve to hold their well-earned title of NFL Champions.
Tags: Anquan Boldin, Baltimore Ravens, Colin Kaepernick, Dennis Pitta, Denver Broncos, featured, football, Frank Gore, Green Bay Packers, Jacoby Jones, Jimmy Smith, Joe Flacco, Justin Tucker, Michael Crabtree, NFC West, nfl, playoffs, Popular, power out, Sam Koch, San Francisco 49ers, Seahawks, Seattle Seahawks, St. Lois Rams, Super Bowl, super bowl mvp, Super Bowl XLVII, Super Dome, Vernon Davis
The match up for Super Bowl XLVII is incredibly difficult to call. Both teams have overcome adversity, and both teams have weaknesses. In fact, I don’t totally trust either quarterback, or defense. Baltimore shut out the New England Patriots in the second half of the AFC Championship game, but San Francisco runs a totally different offense. San Francisco plays physical, but their defense almost let the Atlanta Falcons run away with the game early on in the NFC Championship game.
As for the quarterbacks, Joe Flacco has won playoff games in each of his seasons in the league, but he has also lost playoff games in each of those seasons. Colin Kaepernick has great skills, but he was shut down by the Seattle Seahawks in a prime time match up earlier in the season.
Both teams also have questions on special teams. San Francisco’s place kicker, David Akers, has missed several field goal attempts. The Baltimore Ravens, on the other hand, have a better kicker in Justin Tucker, but have been known to blow coverages on kick offs and punts.
In the passing game, The Ravens have a slight edge with their deep threat of Flacco to Torrey Smith. Anquan Boldin, and Dennis Pitta are solid, but The 49ers have the better overall receiving corps with Michael Crabtree, Randy Moss, and Vernon Davis.
Both teams are solid in the run game. Baltimore’s Ray Rice is the top rusher in the playoffs this season with 247 yards. However, Frank Gore is number three with 230 yards in one less game. Right behind him is San Francisco quarterback Colin Kapernick has put up a jaw-dropping 202 yards rushing in his first NFL postseason. 183 of those yards came in one game against the Green Bay Packers.
Historically, both teams boast impressive records. San Fransisco is undefeated in five trips to the Super Bowl, and Baltimore has won one Super Bowl, and holds the best post season record of any team in history at .650. Baltimore quarterback Joe Flacco also has the most wins away from home of any quarterback in history at six.
San Francisco’s last Super Bowl victory was in 1988. Baltimore’s was in 2000. Because the 49ers history is much older than the Ravens’, I don’t see that playing any part in predicting this game. While they still have the mystique of being the 49ers, they are only three years removed from being one of the most underachieving teams in football. At the same time, the Ravens have been in the thick of the hunt for the better part of the past fourteen seasons.
In the previous round, both teams beat pass-first teams to get to the game, so it’s hard to tell how either will react to each other’s run-first attacks. But, it might be fair to say that the game will go to which ever team manages to pull off the first big pass plays, and if it comes down to that, my money is on Joe Flacco.
Being that both teams dodged bullets to get to the super bowl. The Ravens had a miraculous comeback against the Broncos, and the 49ers mounted an impressive come back against the Falcons. That should indicate that this game will be competitive until the end, even if one team gets off to a quick start.
On the line, the edge should go to San Francisco’s defense vs. Baltimore’s offense. Running the ball will be a challenge. So, I expect Baltimore to pass early to set up the run. Don’t be surprised if they take a shot at the endzone on first or second down of their first drive if they are not trailing.
San Francisco, on the other hand, has to hope that their read option offense has enough spark to confuse a veteran Ravens defense led by Ray Lewis who may have lost a step in terms of speed, but still reads an offense as well as anybody in history. I expect the Ravens to minimize Kaepernick’s rushing attack forcing Frank Gore to provide the bulk of the ground yards. Meanwhile, Kaepernick will have to rely on his arm, the major factor that set him apart from his teammate Alex Smith. Expect Gore to have a big game, and expect Kaepernick to air it out.
In the end, I believe that the Ravens’ experience, will outmatch the youth of the 49ers. The Ravens have spent years deliberatley improving their offense. The plan was to balance out their great defense to have a shot to win a super bowl. Now that they have made it back to the dance, I expect them to show up with their laces tied tight, and ready to rumble.
Ravens: 24 49ers: 17
Tags: afc, Alex Smith, Anquan Boldin, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Colin Kaepernick, David Akers, Dennis Pitta, featured, football, Frank Gore, Joe Flacco, Justin Tucker, Michael Crabtree, NFC, nfl, Popular, Previews, Randy Moss, Ray Lewis, Ray Rice, San Francisco 49ers, Seahawks, Seattle Seahawks, Super Bowl XLVII, Torrey Smith, Vernon Davis
As if we thought this 2012 Season couldn’t get any better, after back to back scoring 50 points plus, the Seattle Seahawks beat the San Francisco 49ers in decisive fashion 42-13. The Seahawks were able to beat the 49ers at their own game, Toughness. This game was over after the 1st Quarter, all of the national media had built this game up to be the game of the week and 2 minutes into the 2nd Quarter the Hawks were up 21-0. As a Seahawks fan you cannot help but get excited for what the future might hold and it gets even more exciting listening to all of the East Coast Biased media finally seeing how good Russell Wilson and company truly are.
This game was dominated by Russell Wilson, it was easy to forget or not even notice that Marshawn Lynch had 111 yards, 1 rushing touchdown and 1 receiving touchdown. Wilson’s numbers do not jump off the page but if you watched the game he was not overly pressured consistently throughout the game (although 49ers beast Justin Smith did not play). When the 49ers did get pressure on him he stepped up in the pocket or ran around with his eyes downfield looking to throw at all times. Wilson even ran around 1 time on a play that ended up lasting 17 seconds. His ability to move around in the pocket is one of his greatest strengths. In a typical December in Seattle where the rain continuously fell, Russell Wilson stood out among many stars by throwing 4 touchdowns.
The Seahawks Wide Receivers did not have huge numbers but they were surprisingly sure handed given the conditions. Doug Baldwin had 2 huge touchdown catches, and Sidney Rice again proved that he is the sure handed possession receiver the Hawks need on 3rd down. Anthony McCoy again had a touchdown as he is quickly becoming a huge target as the number 2 Tight End.
The Seahawks also were able to limit their penalties which have been a huge issue this season. The Offensive line has repeatedly killed drives with inopportune holding and false start penalties but they were almost nonexistent in this game. As a team the Seahawks only had 4 penalties for 45 yards.
The Seahawks had a bend don’t break attitude for this game. They allowed 313 yards and it seemed as though Colin Kaepernick was able to move up and down the field but the Seahawks Defense put the brakes on the 49ers drives once they got into the redzone.
The Seahawks secondary or the Legion of Boom as they are known; hit the 49ers hard right out of the gate. Vernon Davis left with a concussion on what appeared to be a clean hard hit from Kam Chancellor. Richard Sherman was all over the field as usual and he also had an interception in the end zone while guarding Randy Moss, Sherman appeared to bait Kaepernick into throwing the ball before flashing in front of Moss and snatching the ball.
The Seahawks were able to get a huge drive killing sack on Kaepernick. Although, this defense is predicated on speed and they need to start getting to the Quarterback with more regularity. The 49ers used a lot of short quick passes to not allow the Seahawks to use their Defensive lines speed.
Jeremy Lane made his second straight start at right corner in place of Brandon Browner (suspended) and Walter Thurmond (injured). Lane is a smaller corner (6ft) than Browner and so he is not able to use the bump and run quite as regularly but his smaller frame allowed him to stay with the quicker 49ers Receivers.
Special Teams B+
The special teams did not have a major role in this game. Jon Ryan only had to punt the ball 1 time. Steven Hauschka had zero field goal attempts and 6 extra points.
The major Special Team’s contribution came from (Big) Red Bryant as he blocked a short chip shot David Akers field goal early in the 2nd quarter. Richard Sherman picked the ball up and returned it for a Seahawks touchdown that seemed to take the wind out the 49ers.
All in all this was a huge Win for the Seattle Seahawks. This was a Nationally televised game that showed the World that the Seahawks are no longer just a great Defensive team. In the words ESPN Merril Hoge “Seattle fans should be very excited about your Team, because Teams win Championships.” The Seahawks are no longer going to be unknown, the league is taking notice. The Seahawks are going into week 17 knowing that they are in the playoffs and they just need to keep their momentum because they are the hottest if not 1 of the hottest teams in the NFL. #InRusswetrust (Russell Wilson)
Lets face it, we know the 49ers. There isn’t much to scout for this team.
We know all about their front 7. Justin Smith is still the best in the league at his position. Aldon Smith is still an elite pass rusher. Zach Bowman and Patrick Willis are still 2 of the best 3-4 ILBs you’ll find.
We know all about that offensive line, which is still the best in the NFL. We’re also fully aware of Frank Gore’s power style, and Vernon Wells’s ability to outrun 95% of LBs in the league.
We also know full well about their weaknesses at WR that’s led them to rely on an ancient already-lost-two-and-a-half-steps Randy Moss. Just like we are quite familiar with their average CBs overrated safeties who look better than they are because of the quality pass rush the front 7 creates.
Yes, we already know about the 49ers.
We know all about their run first offense, how they protect the football, and how they play offense knowing they don’t need to score 30 to win. We’re also aware that their defense is good enough for them to win even if their offense can’t get to 20.
We’ve seen all this before. Everything, except their new QB.
Colin Kaepernick is now under center, in place of Alex Smith. If you’re a 49er fan, thats a good thing, and thus it’s a bad thing for us Seahawks fans. Alex Smith is simply mediocre, there’s no other way to put it. His biggest asset, and the only reason the 49ers won with him, was that he avoided turnovers. He lacked the ability to make the big throws. Kaepernick on the other handhas a much bigger arm than Smith, and it really shows up on the tape. He regularly makes throws that Smith simply can’t make.
One thing that both QBs do well is run. Smith has been one of the better runner at his position for years, but he wasn’t that dynamic player in the ground game the way many of the QB who’ve entered the league in the last 2 season have been. Kaepernick is. He doesn’t have the escapability that Wilson does, but he’s got the straight line speed that is usually reserved for wide receivers.
The one drawback to the QB change is that Kaepernick is still going through the growing pains that all first year starters go through. He makes mistakes. He doesn’t see open receivers. He… plays a lot like Russell Wilson did 6-8 weeks ago. We he’s on he can be very good, and when he’s off he can be frustrating to watch.
In my opinion, Harbaugh made the right choice at QB. I just wish he’d waited to make it until after this week. Kaepernick makes the 49ers better, and for a Seahawk fan, that’s not a good thing.
The Seattle Seahawks are still looking for a new QB, and an interesting option may have just opened up. I must admit that I didn’t see this coming, and need to give credit to the Seahawks blog visit site to read more]