It’s that time of year again. Dance time. Formerly “Bigger” Dance time. But then some blowhard decided “Bigger Dance” was too close to “Big Dance” for the comfort of some asshole’s lawyer, so here we are with “The Dance.” As if this is like the shindig of the year at a local high school or something.
Anyway, enough about that. You need to fill out a Dance bracket and you’re looking for some help. That’s where I come in. I’m not an expert, but I do pride myself on being judgmental. As we’ve done here in the past, we’ll go through every single Dance matchup and give you a winner. From Game 1 to Game 64. And right about now if you either a) need to fill out your Dance bracket at Sports Radio KJR or b) are just plain confused as to what all this is really about, please click here and achieve both a) and/or b).
To your left you’ll see a picture of a beautiful woman. That’s Lucy Pinder. She won this competition last year. There will be more pictures of beautiful women as you scroll down. Enjoy that. Maybe don’t read this at work, but enjoy it nonetheless. Without further ado…
Region 1: Chelada
Sofia Vergara vs. Alicia Keys
Just the other day I happened to be watching BET (they show reruns of Family Matters in the afternoon, in case you were wondering why) when I caught a showing of the movie Soul Plane. I’d never seen Soul Plane before, but wouldn’t you know it, one of the flight attendants for NWA Airlines was played by Sofia Vergara. So not only has she captured the Latino vote (naturally) and the white vote (Modern Family), but she also has the black vote. Even Alicia Keys isn’t that omnipresent. Winner: Vergara.
Taylor Swift vs. Olivia Munn
The longer Taylor Swift stays relevant, the more annoying she becomes. She’s 23 years old now and still composing whiny ballads professing teenage angst. What does she even know about teenagers anymore? Did she recently date a teenager who broke up with her? I assume that must be it. Winner: Munn.
Amanda Seyfried vs. Erin Andrews
Erin Andrews. My Belmont. Every year, I hitch my wagon, driven by my foolish heart, to Erin Andrews. I do the same thing during the NCAA Tournament with the Belmont Bruins. More often than not, I am left disappointed and brokenhearted when both the Bruins and Andrews lose. But this year, despite Belmont’s early exit from the Big Dance, I have faith in Erin. She’s facing Amanda Seyfried, who is not so much hot as she is kinda weird looking. Winner: Andrews.
Megan Fox vs. Arianny Celeste
In my opinion, Arianny Celeste is much hotter than Megan Fox. She’s got bronzer skin, a better physique, and has been known to dabble in MMA. That’s pretty fantastic. Alas, few people know who Celeste is, and as we all know, this tournament is all about name recognition. Hence, we have to side with the former Queen of the Hardwood. Winner: Fox.
Stacy Keibler vs. Natalie Portman
I’ve always liked Stacy Keibler, mostly because her last name sounds exactly like “Keebler,” which reminds me of cookies. I love cookies. Any woman that arouses a litany of my senses simply by existing is a woman I can appreciate. Winner: Keibler.
Rosie Huntington-Whitely vs. Kate Upton
Not only is this supposed to be Kate Upton’s year to win it all, she kicks off her championship run by taking on an opponent with a hyphenated last name. The legacy of sports greats with hyphenated surnames is neither long nor impressive. One of the aces of the hyphenated-last-name staff would be Ryan Rowland-Smith. He’d be an ace. If that’s not an indication of how bad the All-Hyphen squad might possibly be, I don’t know what is. Winner: Upton.
Miranda Kerr vs. Marisa Miller
I’m just not a huge fan of Miranda Kerr. She’s basically Steve Kerr. Winner: Miller.
Katy Perry vs. Rihanna
Nobody really likes Rihanna. She bounces from dude to Chris Brown to dude to Chris Brown to another dude, then back to Chris Brown. Basically, all roads lead to Chris Brown. Why does she keep going back to Chris Brown? No one really knows. But it bugs us, nonetheless. Meanwhile, Katy Perry set aside time within the past year to break up with longtime boyfriend Russell Brand. She hasn’t gone back to him. Good for her. He sucks. Winner: Perry.
Region 2: Bud Light
Irina Shayk vs. Emma Stone
A recent commercial for Revlon informs me that Emma Stone’s voice is raspy because she spent the first six months of her life screaming. God bless her parents for not strangling her. But that’s not gonna be enough to knock off a one-time Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model. Sorry, Emma. Winner: Shayk.
Sara Jean Underwood vs. Keeley Hazell
This is a battle of pinups. Outside of getting naked in magazines (and in Hazell’s case, starring in a homemade porno), I’m not sure either of these two ladies has a real job. That said, they’re both really good at whatever it is they do, which I guess is just be. They are. They exist. And our world is better because of it. Every matchup needs a winner and a loser, however. Hazell’s a perennial Final Four (excuse me, Last Four) participant, and her boobs are huge. So… Winner: Hazell.
Scarlett Johansson vs. Hayden Panettiere
Hayden Panettiere was really relevant for awhile. Those days are behind her now. Scarlett Johansson, on the other hand, just keeps on keepin’ on. She’s an Avenger for God’s sake. An Avenger! Winner: Johansson.
Emily Blunt vs. Kaley Cuoco
When it comes to sexy famous people, Emily Blunt is really, really…average. About fifty-percent of the time you see her and think, “Okay, I’d hit that.” The other half the time your reaction is more along the lines of, “Eh.” She’s extremely tolerable. That’s about the nicest compliment I can give her. Kaley Cuoco, though? Kaley Cuoco is smokin’ hot. Winner: Cuoco.
Holly Sonders vs. Charlize Theron
Holly Sonders is famous for being on the Golf Channel, so chances are you’ve napped through everything she’s ever done. Charlize Theron? She’s a veteran hottie. She’s the Kevin Willis of this tournament. She may not have a great first step or be particularly explosive, but damn it, she flat-out gets the job done. She’ll throw a few elbows in the paint and Euro-step the hell out of her much younger, sprier opponent. On paper, Theron looks beatable. In reality, she’s playing for keeps. Winner: Theron.
Jennifer Lawrence vs. Anne Hathaway
This has to be the greatest time ever in the history of Jennifer Lawrence. Ever since The Hunger Games, the 22-year-old actress has been on a Jennifer Lawrence world tour, taking Jennifer Lawrence to every city on the map that craves itself some Jennifer Lawrence. She deserves this. She once had a supporting role on The Bill Engvall Show. They say you have to go through hell to get to heaven. Prime example, Jennifer Lawrence. Winner: Lawrence.
Mila Kunis vs. Maria Sharapova
I saw a picture of Mila Kunis without makeup while on a walk with boyfriend (ugh) Ashton Kutcher. It made me cringe. But then I saw Mila Kunis in a movie. It made me semi-aroused. Mila Kunis is basically Red Bull. There are some things about Red Bull that we all know are bad. But when we’re sitting there sipping from that little blue can, we really couldn’t care less about all those bad things. Mila Kunis inspires feeling and emotion. Maria Sharapova? I have no opinion on her. Winner: Kunis.
Beyonce vs. Blake Lively
Beyonce could be really hot. She should be really hot. Every woman envies her. Every man sees her in a catsuit and immediately perks up. The problem with Beyonce is that no matter how physically attractive she may be, she’s married to a rather normal-looking dude who happens to be one of those most famous music moguls on earth. She is so damn settled into that marriage that she’s lost all her zest, all her appeal, all her mystique. She’s a committed wife, which is great. But she’s unattainable, and that ruins it for us. So there you have it. Winner: Lively.
Region 3: Bud Light Lime
Minka Kelly vs. Ashley Greene
If Minka Kelly’s first name wasn’t Minka, she’d be Ashley Greene’s equal. Lucky for her, “Minka” is really fun to say out loud. Minka. MINK-uh. Minka. Winner: Kelly.
Olivia Wilde vs. Danica Patrick
Each time I see Olivia Wilde on a screen, she’s seemingly gotten hotter than the last time I saw her. I just watched The Incredible Burt Wonderstone a few weeks ago (not any better than a rental, in my opinion) and she looked amazing in her role as Steve Carell’s assistant-slash-love-interest. Each time I see Danica Patrick, she’s usually just talking about car racing and being short. That’s not as much fun. Winner: Wilde.
Kate Middleton vs. Julianne Hough
Julianne Hough is the David Duval of female celebrities. There are times when you forget she ever existed at all, and then when you remember, you just shrug your shoulders and move on with life. Winner: Middleton.
Lucy Pinder vs. Alex Morgan
It’s almost not fair. Alex Morgan is very, very cute. She’s athletic and sporty and seems like a lot of fun. She’s also roughly the size of Lucy Pinder’s right breast. Lucy Pinder’s entire chest is very nearly twice the woman that Alex Morgan is. Like I said, not fair. Winner: Pinder.
Zooey Deschanel vs. Manti Te’o's Girlfriend
I really don’t like Zooey Deschanel. I find her absolutely insufferable. She isn’t funny so much as she is irritating. Her talents are not talents at all, but blown-up mannerisms of a child with A.D.D. Why people like her is beyond me. Despite all that, Lennay Kekua jokes have gone the way of Gangnam Style, achieving a certain level of cliche in record-breaking time. I’m banking on the hope that voters are as sick of Te’o's Girlfriend cracks as I am. When it comes to the lesser of two evils, one real, one nothing more than a hoax, I’ll take the living over the imaginary. Winner: Deschanel.
Jessica Alba vs. Paulina Gretzky
Outside of being The Great One’s daughter, I don’t really know why Paulina Gretzky is famous. The internet labels her a pop singer (?), but I’ve never heard one of her songs. On the contrary, we all know why Jessica Alba’s famous. Honey, obviously. Winner: Alba.
Katherine Webb vs. Emma Watson
Emma Watson hit her peak around age 16. Katherine Webb hit her peak around…well, now. It’s about momentum, getting hot at the right time. Thank you, Brent Musberger. Winner: Webb.
Gisele Bundchen vs. Jennifer Aniston
I’ve always liked Gisele Bundchen because it’s easy to mispronounce her name as “JIZZ-uhl.” Jizzuhl, Jizzuhl, Jizzuhl. Say it five times fast and try not to snicker. Winner: Bundchen.
Region 4: Bud Light Platinum
Eva Mendes vs. Alessandra Ambrosio
Eva Mendes is supposedly dating Ryan Gosling these days. If they have a daughter together, that kid is gonna grow up to be the hottest woman on the face of the earth. Winner: Mendes.
Vanessa Hudgens vs. Jessica Biel
How does Vanessa Hudgens find herself in this tournament? She’s hot in a jailbait sort of way, I suppose. But her biggest claim to fame is maintaining a romance with Zac Efron back when he, too, was still relevant. If any team snuck into this tourney with a losing record, it’s Hudgens. Winner: Biel.
Katherine McPhee vs. Adriana Lima
Katherine McPhee. Haven’t heard that name in a while. I’m sure she’s a really nice person. But have you seen Adriana Lima?! Winner: Lima.
Bar Refaeli vs. Elizabeth Banks
Elizabeth Banks is cool. She seems cool at least. But Bar Refaeli is sexy. Bar is the Veronica to Banks’ Betty. Why did Archie Andrews always long for Veronica but settle for Betty? Because you’ll settle for cool when you can’t get sex. Winner: Refaeli.
Elin Nordegren vs. Lindsey Vonn
Tiger Woods’ former partner versus his current partner. It’s been nearly four years and we still feel bad for Elin. Four years! Lindsey Vonn is currently crippled and we still have more sympathy for a woman who won’t have to work for the rest of her life thanks to a high-paying divorce. We love Elin because of everything she went through with that cheating bastard golfer (a cheating bastard golfer who we still really like, mind you). Lindsey Vonn doesn’t stand a chance. She’s the other woman. By default. Winner: Nordegren.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Emilia Clarke
I don’t even know who Emilia Clarke is. Winner: Decker.
Carrie Underwood vs. Kristen Bell
Remember that scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall when the title character, played by Bell, confesses her worry over becoming obsolete in her acting career? It’s crazy how life imitates art sometimes. Winner: Underwood.
Rachel McAdams vs. Vanessa Minillo
Vanessa Minillo? Is it 2003? She’s not even Vanessa Minillo anymore. She’s Vanessa Lachey, as in Nick’s wife. We don’t even know her name! Winner: McAdams.
ROUND OF 32
Sofia Vergara vs. Olivia Munn
Sofia Vergara has more curves than a California coastal highway. We’d all like to ride along that road. Winner: Vergara.
Erin Andrews vs. Megan Fox
I want to believe in Erin Andrews. So badly. But Megan Fox? Megan Fox?! Urrrrrrrrrgggggggg….. Winner: Fox.
Stacy Keibler vs. Kate Upton
All those Keebler cookies slowing her down. Upton’s so good. So good. Winner: Upton.
Marisa Miller vs. Katy Perry
If this was a singing competition, Katy Perry would win. It is not that, however. Winner: Miller.
Irina Shayk vs. Keeley Hazell
Keeley Hazell’s got that strong frontcourt. Gonna be tough to compete with that. Winner: Hazell.
Scarlett Johansson vs. Kaley Cuoco
Kaley Cuoco. The girl-next-door hottie. It’s dangerous to side with the girl-next-door types. But I’ve got a good feeling about this one. Winner: Cuoco.
Charlize Theron vs. Jennifer Lawrence
The Jennifer Lawrence World Tour rolls on. Winner: Lawrence
Mila Kunis vs. Blake Lively
In Japan, they’ll celebrate the triumph of Brake Rivery. Winner: Lively.
Minka Kelly vs. Olivia Wilde
People really, really like saying Minka Kelly’s first name. Never underestimate that on the phone lines. Winner: Kelly.
Kate Middleton vs. Lucy Pinder
Battle of the Brits. Pinder’s your defending champ. Easy choice. Winner: Pinder.
Zooey Deschanel vs. Jessica Alba
The end of the insufferable New Girl. Winner: Alba.
Katherine Webb vs. Gisele Bundchen
Mrs. A.J. McCarron vs. Mrs. Tom Brady. If this were a battle between their quarterback other-halves, we’d all know who would triumph. Should see a similar result between the Misses’. Winner: Bundchen.
Eva Mendes vs. Jessica Biel
Mrs. Ryan Gosling (du jour) vs. Mrs. Justin Timberlake. Can’t wait to get you on the floor, good lookin’. Winner: Biel.
Adriana Lima vs. Bar Refaeli
Callers are lazy. They’d prefer a one-syllable name (Bar) over a two- or four-syllable one (Adriana Lima). Winner: Refaeli.
Elin Nordegren vs. Brooklyn Decker
It’s amazing that Brooklyn Decker is still married to Andy Roddick. On the other hand, Elin Nordegren is single. Life is funny sometimes. Winner: Decker.
Carrie Underwood vs. Rachel McAdams
Carrie Underwood. America’s sweetheart. Winner: Underwood.
Sofia Vergara is like a hotter, sultrier, less tainted Megan Fox. Winner: Vergara.
Kate Upton vs. Marisa Miller
Marisa Miller was the beta version to Kate Upton’s two-point-oh. Winner: Upton
Keeley Hazell vs. Kaley Cuoco
Keeley. Kaley. Keeley. Kaley. You say it enough times and it’s like this mishmash of awesomeness. The road to the Final (Last) Four goes through Hazell. Winner: Hazell.
Jennifer Lawrence vs. Blake Lively
Blake Lively is exponentially hotter than Jennifer Lawrence. The clock strikes midnight on Cinderella. Winner: Lively.
Minka Kelly vs. Lucy Pinder
Lucy Pinder is a defending champion. Winner: Pinder.
Jessica Alba vs. Gisele Bundchen
Remember when Jessica Alba used to win this thing every year? Then she stopped making movies, became a mom, and now? Now she’s losing games to Gisele Bundchen. Winner: Bundchen.
Jessica Biel vs. Bar Refaeli
I love Jessica Biel. I’ve been enamored with her ever since she rebelled as a 7th Heaven cast member and decided to get naked for some magazine I’d never heard of. God bless the man or woman who took those photos. They were fantastic. Winner: Biel.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Carrie Underwood
I don’t even really like country music. Winner: Decker.
Sofia Vergara vs. Kate Upton
This matchup could bring about a cease fire if ever we waged war on Mexico. Winner: Upton.
Keeley Hazell vs. Blake Lively
Keeley Hazell has really big boobs. Winner: Hazell.
Lucy Pinder vs. Gisele Bundchen
Lucy Pinder has really big boobs. Winner: Pinder
Jessica Biel vs. Brooklyn Decker
If I missed on this pick and Jessica Biel went on to win the whole thing, I’d be okay with that. It’d be like going to a game today and witnessing a Raul Ibanez home run, a Matt Hasselbeck touchdown pass, a Marcus Trufant pick-six. It’d be a tip of the cap to another era. And it would be fantastic. So let’s hope if I screw this one up, Biel just blows everyone out of the water and takes home the crown. Winner: Decker.
FINAL (LAST) FOUR
Kate Upton vs. Keeley Hazell
This is Upton’s year. Winner: Upton.
Lucy Pinder vs. Brooklyn Decker
It’s like the Bullets versus the Sonics in ’79. Lucy Pinder, the Bullets, took home the title last year. But this year… Winner: Pinder.
Kate Upton vs. Lucy Pinder
And your 2013 Queen of the Hardwood is…Kate Upton!
Filed under: Other Sports
When I was a freshman in high school, I had a friend, Stephen, whose older brother would frequently give me a ride home after class. Every afternoon, without fail, Stephen’s brother had the AM dial tuned to 950 KJR. And every afternoon, as the three of us rode home, we listened to Dave Grosby and Mike Gastineau talk about sports.
Prior to that point in my life, I hadn’t really been exposed to much sports talk radio. Sure, I listened to games and postgame shows and the like. But the rest of the time, I lent my ears to music. R&B, hip-hop, and goofy soft rock that years later would somehow work its way onto my iPod and become a novelty of sorts. Sports radio, back in those days, just wasn’t my thing. Until those rides home my freshman year.
Groz with Gas, as it was called, was an odd show to me. Here were two middle-aged men dissecting the local and national sports scene, all while joking around about nearly every subject they touched on. It was different, unlike anything I’d really experienced before. These two knuckleheads would banter and giggle, and we would do the same. They entertained us with jabs at a Godawful Sonics bench, a floundering Mariners bullpen, a perennially mediocre Seahawks squad. They managed, somehow, to make failure funny. And here we were, as teenagers, enjoying the humor.
As I went through high school and college, I continued to listen. Not just to Groz or Gas, but to everyone. Under the wrong circumstances, sports radio can be a breeding ground for idiots to voice uninformed opinions. But in this town, at least, it didn’t feel like that at all.
Time went by. I graduated college. I got a job. I ended up here, now. In my spare time, I have this website. And a Twitter account. And thankfully, a handful of people who engage with both of my creative outlets. I’ve been pretty lucky with all of that. Lucky enough to get a little publicity here and there, some airtime on the radio now and then.
As things have turned out, I’ve been fortunate enough to actually get to know some of the people I’ve grown up watching on television, reading in the newspaper, and listening to on the radio. People who are more or less in the public eye, who seem far removed from those of us who are definitely not in the public eye, but turn out to be real, genuine individuals once you sit down and start talking over beverages.
In recent years, as I’ve had the opportunity to meet a number of people that I’d known of, but never really known, I’ve encountered a mixed bag of personalities. For the most part, however, the majority of those (for lack of a better term, we’ll call them “public figures”) public figures have been pretty cool. Nice, forthcoming, gracious, and likable. When you meet people like that, you can’t help but believe in the greater good of everyone around you. And when you believe like that, when you truly convince yourself that people are generally well-intentioned, life just seems to get better every day. So many of those people who I’ve met, who I’ve gotten to know, who I’ve become friends with as I’ve moonlit as a writer, have made my life better. They just have. To say it any other way wouldn’t do the feeling justice. Their presence, their hospitality, the kindness they’ve shown me — some wise-ass kid who started up a rinky-dink blog — has meant more than the world. I cannot overstate my appreciation for how they’ve treated me. It’s been awesome.
Of course, as time has passed, things have changed. They always change. It’s inevitable. One minute you’re watching season two of Boy Meets World and Cory actually sounds like a boy; the next minute you’re watching season three of Boy Meets World and Cory still sounds like a boy, albeit a boy with a slightly deeper voice. So yeah. Can’t avoid change. It’s always there.
Things have changed. And as they’ve done so, a lot of those things I grew up with have disappeared. Take a look at my hometown, for one. Back in my day (only old people get to use that expression), Bellevue was a McDonald’s, then an Arby’s, then some other stuff, then a Safeway, a Baskin-Robbins, and a few banks. Then change hit. Now it’s luxury apartments, an empty building where Safeway used to be, and Lincoln Effing Square. Change shit all over my memories as a kid. I don’t even get to see the water fountain outside Bellevue Square anymore because they turned it into a rock arrangement. Who the hell does that? That water fountain was a gem. And they nuked it. Jerks.
Not surprisingly, change has taken its toll in other realms, as well. Notably, in media. Where a newspaper means next-to-nothing to today’s high schoolers. Where a breaking story can be crammed into a 140-character text box and called good. Where, thanks to social networking, we’ve all become reporters in a certain sense. Change isn’t bad by any means. I mean, I can speak firsthand to its benefits. I’ve been impacted directly by many of these changes. Without them, my opinions would be completely irrelevant (in many cases, my opinions continue to be irrelevant, I realize that. But at least now they’re a little less irrelevant than they would have been without social media). But at the same time, even the most beneficial changes have negative consequences. And today, I sit here reminded of that.
I don’t know what may have occurred behind the scenes. I don’t know why this guy I had the pleasure of getting to know a little bit decided to leave the only job he’s had for more than two decades. But I do know that I will miss hearing his voice on my car radio in the afternoons. I will miss hearing his opinions on a daily basis. I will miss knowing that, whether I’ve had a good day or a bad one, he will be there to distract me as the sun sets on my drive home.
The first time I formally met Mike Gastineau, he looked me in the eye and said, “Alex, I don’t believe we’ve met yet.” The guy addressed me by name before we even knew each other. Which is just flat-out cool. You do that to anyone and you’re guaranteed to be on their good side for life. We shook hands and we met and we’ve crossed paths a few times since. He’s a good dude. I can tell you that. And not just because every single person I trust who knows him has led me to believe it, though they have. You won’t hear any media member in this town speak ill of Mike Gastineau’s character. He is one of a rare breed. The talking head full of snark and wit who, somehow, has managed not to piss everyone off. Remarkable, really.
I don’t know how it is in other cities across America, but here in Seattle there are all these media types who genuinely like each other. It’s crazy to witness. It’s crazy to be a part of. We’re friends, we hang out, we’ll drink together, we’ll play ball together. We enjoy each other’s company. And I get to be involved in that. Because of these good people who appreciate the stupid shit I occasionally come up with. I don’t really understand it. I just go with it.
It wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t start listening to sports radio at some point along the way. That is what got me interested in doing all of this. And the first voice I heard, that year I was riding in a car with my friend and his older brother, belonged to Mike Gastineau. The same guy who would one day greet me by name before we even met. That guy.
Everyone will have their stories. There are always stories when you’re an icon. But this is my story about a guy who is moving on from having impacted so many people in this town, including myself. I wish him all the best, thank him for his kindness, and look forward to our next beer together. On to the next adventure, Gas.
Filed under: Sports Media
I believe in my friends. They’re good people. All of them. If they weren’t, I wouldn’t be friends with them. It’s that simple. Not that I’m some expert on relationships or anything. But I feel like I’m a pretty decent judge of character. And what my friends have is quality character worthy of my faith. There’s no doubt in my mind. As a result, from time to time I use my bias towards these friends of mine to sell the world on the things they represent.
Today is one of those moments I’ve chosen to be selfish about a few of my friends. You may have heard of these particular people in passing before. They are, in no particular order, Ian Furness, Jason Puckett, Josh Sabrowsky, and Ashley Ryan. They all work for Sports Radio KJR (950 on your local AM dial; 102.9 on local FM), they’re all good at what they do, and they all happen to thrive at their jobs from 1:00-3:00 p.m. each weekday. Furness is the lanky Canadian host of the show bearing his name; Puckett is the plucky, wise-cracking everyman sidekick; Josh is the easy-target/producer; and Ashley is the girl who knows sports and has boobs…or something like that.
Now before I go on, let me address the obvious question: Am I biased? Well yes, clearly I am. That would be the natural inclination, of course. These people are good to me, and hopefully I am just as good to them. But you know what, whether I’m biased or not is irrelevant. Because you cannot deny when something is both efficient and effective. And that is precisely what the midday show on KJR happens to be.
Each day, the Furness Show takes the air for a mere two hours and provides relief. Relief. That’s it. It’s a breath of fresh air. To those of you who listen to sports talk radio on a regular basis, you know how seriously hosts — and, in turn, callers and guests — can often take themselves. It’s kind of a joke. Here we are talking about adults playing games and instead of having fun (which is what sports are all about, keep in mind), we’re more apt to turn this into something along the lines of a nuclear treaty discussion.
Furness, Puck, Ashley and Josh are different. They genuinely enjoy working with each other. They have an even-keel perspective on the world around them — something that many sports radio hosts lack. They’re hilarious. They aren’t stupid. They’re not pompous. They aren’t ignorant. And they aren’t willing to roll over and die for the listener. Which means they actually stand for something that matters to the people.
Here’s the thing about talk radio: the goal is to rile the masses. How does one do this? By capitalizing on irrationality and helping the unintelligent listeners get emotional about inane bullshit. It’s the type of thing that I’m sure has turned many of you off from talk radio entirely. Frankly, I don’t blame you. But if you’re in that group and seemingly couldn’t care less about broadcast banter, you might find as we continue here that the Furness Show is actually worth caring about.
By not succumbing to the listener, Furness and company are doing you, the astute sports fan, a favor. They’re bringing you discussion you can tolerate, in a format that makes sense and is enjoyable to listen to. They know what they’re talking about, they debate interesting topics, and they employ a format that allows them to display their affinity for one another. It’s absolute aural pleasure. Aural sex, one might go so far as to say. And who doesn’t like aural sex?
For those of you who do know a thing or two about sports radio, you may be avoiding the Furness Show because it’s a “Coug show,” meaning it’s for Washington State Cougar fans, by Washington State Cougar fans. Fact is, the Furness Show is as much a “Coug show” as this website is a traditional sports blog.
Sure, Furness and Puckett are Washington State University alums. But they’re far from the stereotype of the college homer. They’re objective and they have a grasp on reality, two things we want in all individuals, let alone radio hosts. And if there’s any doubt about that, just look to the two people who comprise their quartet: Ashley is a USC alum and Husky fan, while Josh is both a Washington grad and card-carrying purple-and-gold diehard.
On top of all that, there’s a basic understanding among many of the local media members that Furness and Puckett are GGTKs — or as Gem Diamond explained in the class ring episode of Saved By the Bell, Good Guys To Know.
Take one look at Twitter. No other sports radio hosts in this city interact with their fellow media members the way these two do. It’s like there’s a fraternity they happen to head up. It doesn’t matter if you write for The Seattle Times, The Tacoma News-Tribune, The Everett Herald, work on one of the TV news stations, or happen to lend your voice to the airwaves just as they do; Furness and Puckett get along with you regardless. They just do. And that’s a rarity in the media business. It doesn’t happen often. Not to this magnitude, at least.
To a fan, what that means is that the people you trust to bring you the news, trust these guys. Ipso facto, you should trust these guys, as well. And yes, I just like saying “ipso facto.”
There has to be a point here, I suppose, and there is. I’m lobbying for the Furness Show to get more airtime. Two hours isn’t enough. In the world of radio, two hours is miniscule. These guys deserve better. They’re exceptional at what they do and they have a passion for doing it. You have to respect that, whether you like them or not. Most people can’t say that about their jobs. Most people go to work and languish for eight hours. But for two freakin’ hours a day, these four individuals work as a unit to talk about sports in a unique way that makes sense to a normal human being. I appreciate that. And I’m guessing if you’re reading this article and enjoy this website, you might appreciate that, too.
So I’m imploring you to do what you can to make this cause worthwhile, to help them get more airtime. Listen to their show. Follow them on Twitter: @IanKJR, @JasonPuckettKJR, @AshleyLolaRyan, and @KarateEmergency. Write letters to the station, if you feel so compelled. Just support these guys. Not because they need the support necessarily. But because it never hurts to go out of your way for good people. And that’s really what they are: good people. Good people who happen to have a product that you may find interesting.
Filed under: Sports Media
Two years ago, I wrote up a comprehensive preview on 950 KJR’s (Bigger) Dance. It was in-depth, wordy, and fairly popular for how long and drawn out it was. I broke down every matchup in extreme detail, showcasing my knowledge of attractive women and doing my very best to help my readers to victory in everyone’s favorite office pool. Overall, I give it a D-minus. Certainly not my best work, though the photos were worthwhile.
This year, I figured I’d take another crack at it. But in fewer words and with some help. Try to bump the level of quality up to a more satisfactory range.
A firm believer in the power of the opposite sex in this annual celebration of the feminine figure, I enlisted the help of three females in previewing this year’s field. Special thanks go out to Kalisa Beyer, Charmin Flojo, and Zareen Rahman for helping me put this thing together. In addition to their commentary throughout, take a look at their respective Final Fours and champions at the end of the article.
Without further ado, on to the preview…
Region 1: Cranberry
Eva Mendes vs. Dianna Agron
Rule No. 1 in the (Bigger) Dance: If the masses don’t recognize a name, they won’t vote for the girl. Hence, while Dianna Agron is a fairly attractive newcomer from Glee, she stands little chance against a vet like Eva Mendes. Winner: Mendes.
Cameron Diaz vs. Keeley Hazell
Shawn Kemp has Cameron Diaz winning it all in his bracket. I hate to break it to you, Reign Man, but Diaz has no chance of going the distance and little chance of thwarting Keeley Hazell Who is brought to you today by the number 32 and the letter F. Kind of like Sesame Street. But not really. Winner: Hazell.
Katy Perry vs. Amy Adams
Katy Perry is “huge right now” has “really got it all going for her,” according to one of our expert insiders. This same insider (Zareen) has Perry going all the way. Another insider (Charmin) says Perry is “absolutely gorgeous” and “has a nice, natural rack.” Nice, natural racks are my FAVORITE racks! Winner: Perry.
Scarlett Johansson vs. Sandra Bullock
The battle of women who have fellated Ryan Reynolds (he’s come a long way since Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place…good for him) ends with Bullock’s opening-round exit. Winner: Johansson.
Megan Fox vs. Anna Faris
It’s hard to pick against a University of Washington alum like Anna Faris, but this is Megan Fox we’re talking about here. The Mrs. Brian Austin Green. Winner: Fox.
Elin Nordegren vs. Olivia Wilde
Olivia Wilde is pretty hot, but Elin Nordegren has the whole sympathy thing working in her favor, plus she’s an available woman these days. In addition, Nordegren has that veteran savvy you can’t coach in a tournament like this. Winner: Nordegren.
Anne Hathaway vs. Emma Stone
Anne Hathaway’s star is fading, but luckily for her, no one knows who Emma Stone (Superbad) is. Should be a cake walk for Hathaway. Winner: Hathaway.
Rihanna vs. Tiger’s Girlfriend
Let’s not waste any page space. Winner: Rihanna.
Region 2: Black Cherry (heh…but seriously, folks)
Beyonce Knowles vs. Lea Michele
Lea Michele is smokin’ hot. But then again, so is Beyonce. Plus, Beyonce has that all-important name recognition. Winner: Beyonce.
Chelsea Handler vs. Bar Refaeli
Does anyone else think Chelsea Handler looks like a fifty-year-old trying her hardest to look thirty? Because I do. That said, she’s funny. But this isn’t Last Comic Standing, so… Winner: Refaeli.
Miley Cyrus vs. Kim Kardashian
Jennifer Lopez vs. Halle Berry
How can you pick against either one of these cagey veterans? Our insiders are decidedly split on this matchup, and I’ll admit I’ve gone back and forth on my decision. In the end, though, everyone wants to see an instant Ass Classic in the second round between J-Lo and Kardashian. That’s enough to sway me. Winner: Lopez.
Kaley Cuoco vs. Minka Kelly
Two lesser-known entities in The Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco taking on Mrs. Derek Jeter, Minka Kelly. Kelly’s appeal from her Friday Night Lights days should be more than enough to help her overtake her competition. Winner: Kelly.
Kourtney Kardashian vs. Olivia Munn
It’s kind of amazing that the only married Kardashian sister (Khloe) didn’t even make the field. I mean, yeah, she does look like Chyna and all. But at least she’ll be spared from a first-round exit. Unlike Kourtney. Winner: Munn.
Blake Lively vs. Keri Hilson
It’s a shock that Keri Hilson even made the field. If there was a First Four, Hilson would be a part of that. This should be an absolute massacre. Winner: Lively.
Taylor Swift vs. Selena Gomez
First of all, Selena Gomez is like 15 years old and dating Justin Bieber. Instant fail. Taylor Swift, on the other hand, has the female population in her back pocket. “You have to go with talent on this one,” points out Zareen. “And therefore, Taylor Swift is clearly the winner.” Done. Winner: Swift.
Region 3: Limeade
Irina Shayk vs. Reese Witherspoon
Irinia Shayk is super sexy. But again…name recognition. Reese Witherspoon might not have the same pizazz that her opponent possesses, but she’s fundamentally sound. Winner: Witherspoon.
Jessica Alba vs. Jennifer Hudson
Jennifer Hudson? Really? I didn’t know we were allowing Division II entrants in this field. Winner: Alba.
Jessica Biel vs. Ana Ivanovic
Ana Ivanovic may have the sports background, but Jessica Biel is a perennial favorite. Winner: Biel.
Brooke Burke vs. Eva Longoria
Two of our insiders (Charmin and Zareen) have Eva Longoria reaching the Final Four. Apparently, Skechers Shape-Ups haven’t done for Brooke Burke what they did for Kim Kardashian. Winner: Longoria.
Kendra Wilkinson vs. Sofia Vergara
Hey, Kendra. How’s that marriage to Hank Baskett working out? Winner: Vergara.
Danica Patrick vs. Erin Andrews
If I could have a long-term, committed relationship with any of these 64 women, I would pick Erin Andrews. Without a doubt. Zero questions asked. Winner: Andrews.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Lady Gaga
One, this is Brooklyn Decker’s year. Two, Lady Gaga is rumored to be a hermaphrodite, which in layman’s terms means she is kind of a dude. Winner: Decker.
Britney Spears vs. Malin Akerman
I’m gonna put my money on everyone harboring memories of Britney from a decade ago and do the unthinkable with my pick. Winner: Spears.
Region 4: Blueberry
Lucy Pinder vs. Gwyneth Paltrow
I’m pretty sure Lucy Pinder’s breasts are bigger than Gwyneth Paltrow. All of Gwyneth Paltrow. Winner: Pinder.
Vanessa Hudgens vs. Ashley Greene
There are naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens floating around the internet. Plus, she dated Zac Efron. And that automatically locks up the female vote. Winner: Hudgens.
Jennifer Aniston vs. Carrie Underwood
An absolute nail-biter that will likely go down to the wire, my heart said Jennifer Aniston, but my head had its doubts. “You can’t really top Jennifer Aniston,” said Zareen. “Plus, there’s the whole ‘feeling bad for her because she’s still single’ factor.” Added Charmin, “Three-quarters of America has probably seen Aniston’s backside already…it looks good.” Good enough for me. Winner: Aniston.
Mila Kunis vs. Charissa Thompson
I don’t even know who Charissa Thompson is. Winner: Kunis.
Arianny Celeste vs. Marissa Miller
I don’t even know who Arianny Celeste is. Winner: Miller.
Kate Middleton vs. Yvonne Strahovski
Kate Middleton has bad teeth. Winner: Strahovski.
Rebecca Haarlow vs. Natalie Portman
Rebecca Haarlow? Really? She’s a homeless man’s Erin Andrews. Winner: Portman.
Amanda Seyfried vs. Jenn Sterger
Jenn Sterger deserves to win simply for having to endure the image of Brett Favre’s shriveled, gray manhood on her phone. Winner: Sterger.
Eva Mendes vs. Keeley Hazell
Where has Eva Mendes been the past few years, anyway? I feel like I haven’t seen her since Hitch. Hazell, meanwhile, was in her own homemade porno. You have to appreciate the entrepreneurship of the amateur film-maker. Winner: Hazell.
Katy Perry vs. Scarlett Johansson
A year ago, we would have had Johansson in a landslide. This year, it’s a different story. By virtue of the W, Katy Perry needs to leave Russell Brand for Ryan Reynolds now. Winner: Perry.
Megan Fox vs. Elin Nordegren
So long as Fox can outlast Nordegren’s rough play, she’s got this in the bag. Winner: Fox.
Anne Hathaway vs. Rihanna
Rihanna is hot right now, but Hathaway is classic cool. She’ll pull the upset here. Winner: Hathaway.
Beyonce Knowles vs. Bar Refaeli
Refaeli has that Butler-esque potential that you just can’t pick against. Winner: Refaeli.
Kim Kardashian vs. Jennifer Lopez
The “Battle of the Butts” as one insider has dubbed it, Kalisa goes on to point out that Lopez’s longevity might give her the upper hand here. I tend to disagree, however. And in case you have any doubts, allow me to show you this again:
Minka Kelly vs. Olivia Munn
I don’t like the Yankees, but I have to respect a winning tradition. Mrs. Derek Jeter moves on. Winner: Kelly.
Blake Lively vs. Taylor Swift
The star of Gossip Girl versus America’s lyrical sweetheart might divide the female voters. Rest assured, however, that the men will recognize that true beauty has a more plentiful chest. Winner: Lively.
Reese Witherspoon vs. Jessica Alba
Witherspoon only made it this far because she played the Duquesne of opponents in the first round. Name recognition got her one victory, but the Cinderella story stops here. Winner: Alba.
Jessica Biel vs. Eva Longoria
Our Bigger Dance historian (Kalisa) highlights this matchup as the must-watch contest of the second round. With two newly-single ladies who have fared historically well in past tournament’s squaring off, she gives the edge to “pint-sized Latin firecracker” Longoria. I tend to think that Tony Parker’s dis on Eva will be just enough to keep her focus off the hardwood and open the door for Biel. Either way, it’ll be close. Winner: Biel.
Sofia Vergara vs. Erin Andrews
Erin Andrews is the only woman who I can’t seem to pick against. Every year I believe in her. Every year she lets me down. And yes, Sofia Vergara has a wonderful bosom. But damn it, I can’t defy my one true love. Winner: Andrews.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Britney Spears
Did I mention this is Decker’s year? Winner: Decker.
Lucy Pinder vs. Vanessa Hudgens
Even Zac Efron would motorboat the hell out of Lucy Pinder. Winner: Pinder.
Jennifer Aniston vs. Mila Kunis
Keep in mind that, while hot, Mila Kunis is still the voice of Meg on Family Guy. Aniston, meanwhile, was Rachel from Friends. Advantage, Rachel. Winner: Aniston.
Marissa Miller vs. Yvonne Strahovski
This may be the blowout of the second round. Notice I said “blowout” and not what you may have accidentally misread. Winner: Miller.
Natalie Portman vs. Jenn Sterger
Pictures of Favre’s dick will only take you so far. Winner: Portman.
THIRD ROUND (Sweet Sixteen)
Keeley Hazell vs. Katy Perry
Now it’s getting serious. For all the love that two of our three insiders have for Perry, I can’t ignore Hazell’s past successes in this tournament, as well as her on-ball ability. Winner: Hazell.
Megan Fox vs. Anne Hathaway
Both these girls need to eat more. They were hotter when they weren’t suffering from Mary-Kate-and-Ashley-Olsenitis. That said, Fox’s star is still just slightly brighter. Winner: Fox.
Bar Refaeli vs. Kim Kardashian
No denying that Refaeli is the favorite here. That said, I really, really like Kim K. Superstar. (And yes, that is indeed a reference to the how-to video Kim made with Ray-J. Every woman needs to watch that film. It’s a tutorial.) Winner: Kardashian.
Minka Kelly vs. Blake Lively
Think of Mrs. Derek Jeter as Derek Jeter and think of Blake Lively as a ground ball to Jeter’s left. Ground balls to Jeter’s left are his natural enemy. Sure, he makes a lot of nice back-handed plays to his right. But have you ever seen him do anything to his left? No. Winner: Lively.
Jessica Alba vs. Jessica Biel
This isn’t even fair. A bout between recent champions in the Sweet Sixteen? Unheard of. I wish I could pick both, but in the infamous words of Softy Mahler, you can only have one. I have to go with my ethnic side and take the more exotic hottie in this one. Winner: Alba.
Erin Andrews vs. Brooklyn Decker
I love you, Erin. Please forgive me. But this is Brooklyn Decker’s year. Winner: Decker.
Lucy Pinder vs. Jennifer Aniston
Lucy Pinder is 27. Jennifer Aniston is 42. Think about that. Pinder’s breasts are fifteen years younger than Aniston’s. (This is the weird sh*t that goes through my mind.) Winner: Pinder.
Marisa Miller vs. Natalie Portman
Natalie Portman is cute in that girl-next-door sort of way. If Marisa Miller lived next door to you, however, you’d have to check in with your doctor every four hours. Winner: Miller.
FOURTH ROUND (Elite Eight)
Keeley Hazell vs. Megan Fox
Can I just say it, finally? Megan Fox looks like she’s on all sorts of drugs and the barrage of tattoos have done her no favors. She lost all her curves, too. What a disappointment. Come on, girl. Winner: Hazell.
Kim Kardashian vs. Blake Lively
Look, I’m not gonna lie to you. I am totally and wholeheartedly voting with my dick on this one. Winner: Kardashian.
Jessica Alba vs. Brooklyn Decker
THIS IS BROOKLYN DECKER’S YEAR!!! Winner: Decker.
Lucy Pinder vs. Marisa Miller
Frankly, there isn’t enough room for the upper bodies of both Pinder and Hazell in the Final Four. It’s an occupancy issue, really. Winner: Miller.
FIFTH ROUND (Final Four)
Keeley Hazell vs. Kim Kardashian
This is where experience and coaching really take over. Kardashian has raw talent on the hardwood. We’ve all seen the game tape. No denying her expertise. Hazell has that critical X-Factor however: Size up front. Winner: Hazell.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Marisa Miller
This cannot be understated enough. It is Brooklyn Decker’s year. Winner: Decker.
SIXTH ROUND (Championship)
Keeley Hazell vs. Brooklyn Decker
One more time, in case I haven’t made it clear enough: Brooklyn. Decker’s. Year.
Your 2011 Queen of the Hardwood: Brooklyn Decker.
How our expert insiders picked…
Insider No. 1: Kalisa Beyer
Final Four: Keeley Hazell, Lucy Pinder, Brooklyn Decker, Blake Lively
Queen of the Hardwood: Keeley Hazell
Insider No. 2: Charmin Flojo
Final Four: Megan Fox, Kim Kardashian, Eva Longoria, Mila Kunis
Queen of the Hardwood: Kim Kardashian
Insider No. 3: Zareen Rahman
Final Four: Katy Perry, Halle Berry, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Aniston
Queen of the Hardwood: Katy Perry
Filed under: Other Sports
If you don’t know about the (Bigger) Dance, click here. To briefly explain, the (Bigger) Dance was originally created by 950 KJR’s morning show host Mitch Levy back in 1997 and is a tournament in the likeness of the Big Dance which crowns the Queen of the Hardwood.
To make your picks, participate in the bracket challenge, and qualify to win a trip to any sporting event in the world, click the link above or simply navigate to 950KJR.com.
Once your picks have been made, join the Seattle Sportsnet office pool by clicking here (or by selecting “Join an Office Pool” from the Bracket drop-down menu on the site), then type in the unique pool number and password, which are as follows:
Pool Number: 534
In the coming days, we’ll have all the (Bigger) Dance analysis you need right here on these pages, the only place online where you can get such advice. So stay tuned. We’re here to help you win…
Filed under: Other Sports
You want to call a sports radio station but you need help. Thankfully, you’ve got me. I’m an expert on this sort of thing. Not because I call sports radio stations myself. But because I listen. And listening, as any girl will tell you, is the key.
That’s why I’ve created this step-by-step guide to helping you make that all-important call to voice your opinion on something that, frankly, most people probably don’t care about it. But that’s beside the point. The point is, you’ve been dying to pick up that phone and hear your voice on the airwaves. I’m here to make it easier for you. Let’s go.
Step 1: Tell the call screener that he/she has a sexy voice.
It doesn’t hurt to butter up the person in charge of putting you through to the host. “Hey sexy, you sound hot,” should suffice. In this day and age, it doesn’t really matter if this person is of the opposite gender or not. Most attractive people with sexy voices are used to both homo- and heterosexual attention. Just let it rip. You’ll see immediate results.
For added effect, breathe heavily.
Step 2: If you have to wait more than a minute or two to get on the air, hang up and dial again. Repeat as necessary.
Don’t they know who you are? You’re Jeff from Puyallup. F**kin’ right, you are. No one makes Jeff from Puyallup wait to voice Jeff from Puyallup’s opinion.
Now call right back.
Ask the call screener if he or she knows who he or she is speaking with. Now ask him or her if he or she knows how long you’ve been waiting. Too long, that’s how long. Put me back on hold now, beyotch.
Don’t forget Step 1, though. Demand results, but make sure to tell your call screener that his or her voice is super sexy. Good work. Keep it up.
Step 3: Wish your host a good day at least two or three times.
When you finally get through and the host calls your name, be sure to issue as many salutations as you possibly can. That really sets the tone for the rest of the call.
“Uh, hi there, uh…hey, this is, uh, Jeff from Puyallup…and, uh, how’s your day going today?”
Perfect. You’ve got it down pat.
Make sure to say “uh” a lot, too.
Step 4: Preface your point with an anecdote about your own life.
Your life is absolutely fascinating. Between working a job that allows you to call into sports radio stations during the day, beating off to loads and loads of pornography, and Facebook-stalking sports personalities, you might just lead the most fascinating life in the history of livelihood. Go ahead and tell the listening audience a fun story about your life right from the get-go.
“Long-time listener, first-time caller…and, uh, well I just gotta tell you something. The other day I was at the mall and I saw Ichiro shopping for jeans, and I was thinking to myself, ‘That’s ridiculous! Ichiro shops for jeans, too!’ And uh, yeah, so then I, uh, I shook his hand and had him autograph my beanie and, uh…well, uh…well…okay, so basically I just wanted to call and ask you about the Huskies…”
You left out the part about Ichiro running away and you chasing after him. But save that for the next call, that’s good stuff.
Step 5: When in doubt, just keep talking.
Sometimes the conversation will take an awkward turn. Instead of letting the host get a word in, it’s best if you just keep talking. This is your fifteen seconds of fame. Milk it like an impregnated cow.
But what to talk about, you ask? You’ve already made your point about the hometown nine sucking balls, there’s really nothing left to say, right? Wrong.
When in doubt, just narrate the scene around you. I’ve always found that makes for great dialogue. Bonus points if you can transition from your topic to this random scene narration without taking a breath.
“So Felix should definitely win the Cy Young and there’s this chick walking past me right now with an amazing rack. I mean, holy crap, that thing is glorious.”
Even with a sixteen-second delay, I don’t know if a radio producer will catch that and be able to get rid of it in time. You should be golden.
Step 6: When the host undoubtedly refutes your logic, either a) yell at said host, b) stutter a lot, or c) all of the above.
Host: “So, Jeff, what you’re telling me is you think the Sonics would be better off never returning to Seattle. Is that what you’re saying?”
You: (Thinking. Processing. Thinking some more. Re-processing.) “Uhhh…n-no. You dick.”
Step 7: Assert your dominance by refusing to hang up.
This is your moment. At least six or seven people are listening to you right now. At least. And damn it, they need to know how right you are. NEED TO!
Never give up. Never relent. Never back down.
Hosts don’t cut you off. You cut off hosts. Don’t just make your point. Hammer it home like you’re John Freakin’ Henry.
So what if your story is going nowhere. Some of the best stories in the world never went anywhere. You think Shakespeare had a plan? Hell no. That guy was on all sorts of drugs. Fact is, you can ramble your ass off and still be better than the next guy. Like writing a college term paper. Lots of fluff, lots of B.S., lots of moxie.
Remember, you’re a pro. Even if you don’t know it yet, you’re a pro. It takes a ballsy individual to call a radio station. When you pick up that phone and punch in those numbers, you’re not just doing it for you, you’re not just doing it for the average sports fan, you’re doing it for America and for the world. Think about that.
You’re ready, champ. Go get ‘em.
Filed under: Other Sports
I should probably italicize that since it’s the name of a production. Karate Emergency. There. Now it’s official. Let me tell you something. You know you’ve made it when you can italicize the name of something that you’ve created. I don’t even italicize Seattle Sportsnet, so you know how important Karate Emergency is. Parents don’t even italicize the names of their children. So it’s even more important than that. We’re bigger than life itself. Think about that. It’s deep.
Karate Emergency. It’s the name of our goofy-ass podcast radio show. Endorsed (however loosely) by Sports Radio 950 KJR, recorded in a real-life studio, broadcast to the ears of millions, and made just for you, the Seattle sports fanatic.
That’s what this show is destined to be. An outlet for the local sports fan. Think of Seattle Sportsnet on radio, with three more people, wittier banter, and an Almost Live! feel to it. That’s what we’re trying to make Karate Emergency out to be. And it’s gonna be fantastic.
We’re planning on having great guests, an incredible panel (Josh Sabrowsky, Ashley Ryan, Ryan Divish, and myself), and an hour’s worth of material that will keep you entertained whenever you choose to listen. It’s a podcast so you can tune in at your leisure. No excuses, now. If you didn’t hear it, you weren’t trying hard enough.
I don’t think this is bound to be the next big thing. I know it. I’m not gonna lie. We’re good. I should say, the people around me are good. I’m decent filler. I’ll make you smile every now and then. I promise.
But here’s the thing. I want your suggestions for this show. It’s a weekly production, recorded every Tuesday night. I’m tasked with writing bit ads and helping carry the conversation. I also like to think of myself as the Karate Emergency public relations department. I’m here to make sure that you, the listener, are entertained. This is destined to be grab-ass amateur hour in a professional setting. And I want your feedback on it. What’s your ideal radio show? What’s your ideal format? What do you want to hear about? How can we appeal to you? What’s gonna make you laugh?
Fact is, this is your show. We’re just hosting it. If you listen in, you’re part of what we’re doing. You’re helping us make this a better forum for your entertainment. It’s as simple as that.
Between now and Tuesday, find us on Twitter (@KarateEmergency) and stay tuned as we prepare the greatest show to hit the local airwaves since before television.
Filed under: Karate Emergency
Shameless self-promotion, I know. Not that anyone should have any shame in promoting themselves. Screw that. From now on, I’m calling it Super Fun Self-Promotion. The connotation is decisively positive. And we’re having Super Fun, which is always a good thing. So consider this Super Fun Self-Promotion and not shameless. Win.
Anyways, I feel like I’m nagging you a bit on these radio appearances. I feel like my dad, giving me a lecture on investing in my retirement fund or driving Asian-style in the far right lane. I don’t want to be a nag. So just listen to the program, will ya? If not for me, then for Ian Furness, Ryan Divish, Jason Churchill, or Chris Fetters, who will all be in attendance, as well. We’ll be discussing social media, new media, blogging, that sort of thing. We did it once before, back in July, and it was off the chain. If the chain was here…our show was all the way over there. That’s how off the chain it was.
Like it says in the headline up there, we’ll be going on air at 1:20 p.m. and sticking around until about 2:00. Three ways to listen (heh, three ways):
1) 950 on your AM radio dial…you know, the frequency you rarely use. The one that doesn’t play music. Outside of Radio Disney, that is. And the Spanish language stations. That one.
2) 950KJR.com. This is where you can catch the live stream. The nice thing about the live stream is that there’s no seven-second delay. So if anyone drops an f-bomb, you’ll catch it here.
3) In-person at Dino’s Pub in Renton. That’s where we’ll be broadcasting. Join us if you can. That way, you can see what five radio faces look like.
It’s gonna be a blast. Be sure to tune in! Thanks for the support, as always!
Filed under: Sports Media
One, if you haven’t made plans to attend The Athletic Supporters Basketball Showcase this evening, I highly recommend this opportunity for free entertainment (click here for details). It’s not every day that you get to watch a bunch of grown men run around in shorts and tank tops trying to rekindle their glory years. It should be a lot of fun for everyone.
Two, on Wednesday I will be appearing on 950 KJR AM with Ian Furness at 1:20 p.m. for a social media roundtable. Joining me will be Ryan Divish from the Tacoma News-Tribune, Chris Fetters from Dawgman.com, and Jason Churchill from ProspectInsider.com and ESPN. We will be broadcasting live from Dino’s Pub in North Renton (across the freeway from the Seahawks’ practice facility), so stop by if you get a chance.
This will be our second social media discussion (we had our first roundtable back in July). Anyone who is interested in blogging or new media should tune in and see what it’s all about.
Three ways to listen in:
1) Stop by Dino’s Pub and kick it with us in person.
2) Tune to 950 on your AM dial and listen on your radio.
3) Head to 950KJR.com and check out the live stream.
As always, thanks for your continued support of everything we do here at Seattle Sportsnet. Couldn’t be more thrilled with the direction of the site.
Filed under: Other Sports
To view this public event on Facebook, please click here.
The Athletic Supporters are arguably the greatest recreational sports franchise in the history of the world, if not the entire universe. If you haven’t yet learned of their greatness, please go to the following audio clip and scroll to the 2-minute mark, followed shortly thereafter by the 11-minute mark: http://bit.ly/c8ibF6
Don’t act like you’re not impressed. The Athletic Supporters’ fame — nay, infamy — has reached the airwaves of mass media. Are they America’s team? Some would say yes, they are. If nothing else, they’re the Greater Seattle Metro Area and Surrounding Suburbs’ team. Indubitably.
On this very special, very memorable evening, the undefeated Athletic Supporters basketball team will be taking on their arch-nemesis, Stimulus Package, in the Mountlake Terrace Recreational City League. All are invited to share in this joyous event. To call it a once-in-a-lifetime moment would be an understatement.
With high-flying antics, at least two players who can dunk, and an uptempo offense that runs like Usain Bolt, the Supporters are easily the most fun team to watch play basketball in the entire township of Mountlake Terrace on Monday nights.
Following the game, the Supporters will be celebrating with food and beverages alongside their loyal fan base at the nearby Mountake Terrace Azteca Mexican Restaurant: 22003 66th Ave. W, Mountlake Terrace, 98043.
Please join the Athletic Supporters in packing the gymnasium for this momentous occasion. Tell your family and friends! Bring whoever you like! There’s plenty of bleacher seating available. Admission is FREE and rowdiness is encouraged! You can also probably get away with sneaking in alcoholic beverages. In case you gravitate towards that persuasion. So, uh, yeah.
Filed under: Other Sports
His name is Dick Fain.
He used to be Softy’s sidekick on 950 KJR, until they gave him the axe, even though I wrote to program director Rich Moore and told him they needed to keep Dick around.
He is an assistant boys’ basketball coach at Mount Rainier High School in Des Moines.
He can make his voice climb three or four octaves when talking about Sue Bird.
Sometimes, he screams.
He is well-coiffed. He probably uses L.A. Looks on that scalp.
The second Google entry when you search for the term “dick fain” reveals a post from this website.
The only known public photo of Dick is attached to this article.
He does not own Dick’s. I’m pretty sure about that. But he probably eats there.
He is a fan of both the University of Washington men’s basketball team and the Gonzaga University men’s basketball team. Which is kind of weird.
According to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, there are four definitions of the term “fain.” Those four definitions are: 1) happy, pleased; 2) inclined, desirous; 3) willing; 4) being obliged, constrained, compelled. So he’s either Dick Happy, Dick Desirous, Dick Willing, or Dick Constrained. Three of those are decent porn names. The fourth sounds a little painful.
Dick Fain. Voice of the 2010 WNBA Champion Seattle Storm. And likely the only Dick in attendance for every Storm game this season. Congrats to Mr. Desirous.
Filed under: Other Sports
That’s what makes Ashley Ryan special. Not only does she say things that will make you giggle, but she does so unintentionally in front of thousands of listeners.
For those of you who don’t know Ashley, she comes to you live each and every weekday from the State Farm Traffic Center. You might hear her on various ClearChannel stations throughout your radio dial, but she’s arguably most famous for her work with Sports Radio 950 KJR.
That’s where this audio clip comes to us from. I just happened to be tuned in on Wednesday afternoon when Ashley uttered the sentence you just heard in the sound bite. In context, she was speaking directly to my good friend Josh, who was reading a lengthy list of guests scheduled to join host Jason Puckett for the afternoon show. Out of context, she had a Grade-A “That’s what she said” moment.
Lucky for us, Josh is as devious as I am and took the liberty of saving the audio for everyone’s enjoyment. Hence, we can now immortalize the words.
Yes, loyal readers, that’s why we give this week’s victory to Ashley. Because if it wasn’t for her, we might not get to have fun at anyone’s expense today. And it’s Friday. So we could really use that fun. On with your day…
Filed under: Sports Media
Tune in to the Ian Furness Show on sports radio 950 KJR AM Wednesday afternoon at 2:15 to join Ian, Chris Fetters of Dawgman.com, Ryan Divish of the Tacoma News-Tribune, and myself as we discuss blogging, new media, and other fun stuff.
We’ll all be in studio together (so it won’t sound like static-y crap, because let’s face it, we all hate that), plus you can stream the feed live through your computer by going to 950KJR.com.
It’ll be an absolute blast. I hear we’re hiring strippers, KY Jelly wrestling matches will undoubtedly ensue, and by the end of the afternoon we should all be kickin’ it to Notorious B.I.G. as we sit mellowed out sipping on Purple Drank. In the immortal words of Biggie Smalls, it’s all good, baby, bab-ay.
Don’t miss it. You’ll seriously regret it if you do. Seriously.
Filed under: Sports Media